A year on …

Reader warning: this is an emotional read!!!

It’s almost a year since I lost mum. I’ve been contemplating writing this post probably because of all the emotions that are going round in my head, good enough reason right?

I really don’t know where the 11.5 months have gone. This year has went so quickly, I’m super surprised it has. I thought it would drag, I thought I would have to drag myself out of bed. Where I found the strength to carry on and move to a store for more hours, loose a mother-in-law (again, cancer), get a puppy and most importantly, grieve, I have no bloody idea!

There hasn’t been a day where I’ve not thought about mum, who was a good coffee and cake buddy, good chat, best friend and sister all rolled into one person. It’s the chats I miss most – that advice was priceless no matter what it was on.

There’s certain places I’ve not managed to go to, just because it’s hard to face it without her. Places like the secret herb garden and the potting shed were popular eateries for us.

I’m almost finished the coat that she started making for me. It took a while to summon up the courage to get the pieces out of a back and press them, almost 5 months on and it’s nearly there. I’ve been doing it at class on Monday evenings with the guidance of Abi, my teacher. Mum did a Thursday afternoon at the same class, so Abi has overseen most of the process.

Last week it kind of hit me hard because the process of making it and finishing it is almost at its end. It’s funny how it’s worked out because it’s coming up to the year that she passed. One whole year.

I’m not sure how I’m going to feel on the actual day of the anniversary itself, probably all over the place. It’s true I do hold a grave face with a smile most of the time but I am still going through the grieving process. I’ve not yet came across anyone saying “get over it” or “not again” to my face where I have heard others have. I think if anyone who knows me well if they’d be struck of the friends list immediately without hesitation. I feel my friends haven’t seen half the tears I’ve cried because I tend to save that to the privacy of home and me. That’s just how I’ve dealt with it and how I’m still dealing with it. I’ve yet to actually “see” or “speak” to a professional but I’m still sitting on the fence with that. Some days are worse than others but I know that and I can deal with that.

There’s lots of things that remind me of mum and I’m seeing that more of a positive. Hard to believe, I know! Mum used to make a comment on the way I “arranged” my flowers by just shoving them in the vase. Now I make a conscious effort in arranging them! I think one of her ideas was to get into floristry was taking me to a workshop. We had lots of fun that day and I learnt a lot! I’ve not really taken it any further in workshops but have practiced!

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5 thoughts on “A year on …

  1. Oh darlin my heart is breaking for you. My mom passed away
    July 21, 2017, it’s almost a year for me as well, so I understand how you are feeling. My mom & I spoke every day (at least once a day) over the phone. We hadn’t seen each other in 17 years as we lived at opposite sides of the US & neither of us had the means to travel. I miss her so very much & always will. This isn’t something I’ll “get over” anytime soon & I’m ok with this. I still talk with her every day & at times I “hear” her answers. No I’m not loopy, at least I don’t think I am. LOL
    I do know the hurt isn’t quite as raw as it was but the tears & loss is still there. I hope you feel less raw & more genuine smiles in time too.
    BTW your coat looks beautiful & is a testimony to the love of a mother & daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Becca. I truly emphasise with you too. It’s a hard one to get your head around but in time it will feel less painful I guess. Every one is different and grieves differently. I totally get you on the hearing answers. Sounds like you had a lovely relationship as well even though you were in different states. Xxx

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  2. Dear Emma I can’t believe it’s nearly a year. I think about Fiona often,still can’t believe she’s gone. She would be so proud of you. And that coat .well done it looks very complicated. Your mum introduced me to the secret herb garden as well,it was so her,different and special. All best wishes Sally x

    Liked by 1 person

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